It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything in my “Managing Grief” series, but it’s not because there was nothing more to suggest, simply I couldn’t write the words down. As many of you will know, there have been two bereavements in my own family in the last couple of months (my Dad and my aunt), and I think it’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve begun to truly grieve for them.
Anyway, onto today’s thoughts on how to manage your grief…
Be realistic in your expectations.
In Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber, Marta writes the following:
My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly 11 months away!
The way in which she coped with her anxiety about the coming Christmas was to plan carefully and keep her expectations realistic:
“Try to have reasonable expectations. There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing.”
I can truly relate to those sentiments, as my Dad died on 21st February this year, and just a couple of weeks ago, on the 25th April, we had to cope with my Dad’s first birthday since he passed away. It was awful knowing that for the first time in my life we didn’t have to wonder what to buy Dad for his birthday, but, more importantly, we wouldn’t even be celebrating the day with Dad anymore. The 25th April was a working day for me, and I can truthful tell you that I don’t know how I got through that day at work in one piece as my heart was most definitely with Dad.
It’s now just over 2 months since my Dad 
There are some things which can seem endless. Some that are good and some not so good. Things like the love and support from family and friends can feel endless which is obviously good. While a continual string of bad or events which affect your life are the complete opposite.
Why?
I’ve had a couple of times in my life, that now I look back on them, I wonder how on earth I got through them. The most recent of these events I’ve talked about a few times in my blog, and that was when I became very ill a few years ago. The other occasion was a number of years ago, in fact 2 months after I got engaged, when my dad took seriously ill. To cut a long story short, hubby and I got engaged in the December and were due to get married the following August, but in the February my Dad took seriously ill. For a while it was touch and go whether he would survive and even if he did, whether he would be able to walk me down the aisle…
As you’ll know if you read my blog post yesterday (
As far as how I cope with the situation with Dad, I think my automatic coping mechanism of seeing the funny side of everything definitely kicks in. Dad’s dementia means he has often said and done things which are quite funny on one hand, but when I think about the person he used to be, are incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Whenever anyone asks about Dad I find myself almost smiling and joking about it all the time, simply because it’s how I keep myself together and don’t fall apart. So if you’ve spoken to me and thought I seemed to make light of Dad’s situation please realise it’s just the way I cope with it, as I am deeply upset and saddened by what has happened to him, and I certainly do not find it funny in any way.
emory loss. Please remember though that everyone forgets things sometimes, and that as we get older we’re all more likely to forget things. When someone has dementia though, what is forgotten and the severity is very different, as they are likely to forget names of their family, not just of strangers. They may burn pans because they have forgotten about them, forget what they have eaten for lunch, or even if they’ve had any lunch. They may ask the same questions over and over again and again not remembering they’ve asked them before.
Sufferers can also find themselves getting lost even when in a familiar place. They may fail to recognise people they have known for years and see on a regular basis. Confusion is a common symptom which in turn makes the suffer less able to problem solve or think things through logically. It can make dealing with financial matters difficult and can be dangerous as they are more likely to be taken in by fraudsters.
Right from the time of Dad’s diagnosis, Mum has said she would care for Dad at home as long as she possibly could. I’ve witnessed Mum finding things more and more difficult as the months have gone by and Dad’s condition has worsened.
