Posts Tagged ‘grief’

Managing Grief #7

Posted: May 16, 2013 in bereavement, death, family, friendship, Health, life, love, pets
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It may be a cat, a bird, a ferret, or a guinea pig, but the chances are high that when someone close to you dies, a pet will be there to pick up the slack. Pets devour the loneliness. They give us purpose, responsibility, a reason for getting up in the morning, and a reason to look to the future. They ground us, help us escape the grief, make us laugh, and take full advantage of our weakness by exploiting our furniture, our beds, and our refrigerator. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Pets are our seat belts on the emotional roller coaster of life–they can be trusted, they keep us safe, and they sure do smooth out the ride.

by Nick Trout, Tell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing and Hope in My Life as an Animal Surgeon

Grief can be even tougher to cope with if you are on your own. However, as Nick Trout says above, even the company of a pet, can be the comfort and companionship you need to help you through the difficult days after a bereavement.

So if you have a pet, I hope you realise they can be your companion during these days, but if you haven’t, why not consider getting a pet to keep you company. After all, not only will you enjoy their companionship, I’m sure they will enjoy you company just as much, if not more.

Managing Grief #6

Posted: May 9, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, dementia, family, friendship, holiday, life, love
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It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything in my “Managing Grief” series, but it’s not because there was nothing more to suggest, simply I couldn’t write the words down. As many of you will know, there have been two bereavements in my own family in the last couple of months (my Dad and my aunt), and I think it’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve begun to truly grieve for them.

Anyway, onto today’s thoughts on how to manage your grief…

Be realistic in your expectations.

In Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber, Marta writes the following:

My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly 11 months away!

The way in which she coped with her anxiety about the coming Christmas was to plan carefully and keep her expectations realistic:

“Try to have reasonable expectations. There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing.”

Elderly woman sitting in an armchairI can truly relate to those sentiments, as my Dad died on 21st February this year, and just a couple of weeks ago, on the 25th April, we had to cope with my Dad’s first birthday since he passed away. It was awful knowing that for the first time in my life we didn’t have to wonder what to buy Dad for his birthday, but, more importantly, we wouldn’t even be celebrating the day with Dad anymore. The 25th April was a working day for me, and I can truthful tell you that I don’t know how I got through that day at work in one piece as my heart was most definitely with Dad.
I can only imagine how hard it was for Mum. However to make sure Mum wasn’t on her own all day, feeling sorry for herself and getting upset as Dad was no longer here, we took her out at night for a meal…not to celebrate Dad’s birthday but just to remember Dad on what would have been his special day. It turned out though that Mum had actually been out most of the day, as in the afternoon, she apparently went down to the nursing home Dad had been in (and died in), and spent time there with the nurses who had cared for, and looked after Dad so well during his time there.
We got through the first of our significant days since our two bereavements by setting realistic expectations, so I know it will work, so please try this for yourself.

Managing Grief #5

Posted: March 15, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, depression, family, friendship, Health, life, love, religion, words
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memoriesAs you’ll know if you’re a regular reader of my blog, I’ve been writing a number of posts giving some thoughts on how to cope with the death of a loved one.

Today I want to focus on boundaries…your boundaries!

Protect your boundaries – You are the only one who truly knows and understands how you feel and how you are coping with your grief.

Some will avoid speaking to you as they will find it difficult to know what to say to you, others will offer words of comfort and extend their sympathies to you. Some will extend invitations to you, or ask you to take on tasks – Don’t pressurize yourself into saying, “Yes“. Instead, give yourself permission to say, “No thank you” or “I’ll pass on it for now”. Remember it’s about you, and how you are feeling, it’s not about any one else.

Another way of protecting your personal boundaries is to accept an invitation from someone, but put some limits on it. e.g. Tell them, “Yes, I will be happy to join you, but please know that I may have to excuse myself a little earlier than others”.

Finally, remember when you’ve suffered a bereavement it’s ok to protect your personal boundaries. However if you accept an invitation that’s been offered to you, don’t fret about it, because the anticipation of the occasions is always much worse than it actual turns out to be. Rest assured that, with God‘s grace, the occasion will not be nearly as difficult as you think it will.

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” ~ Psalm 34:18

Managing Grief #4

Posted: March 11, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, family, friendship, Health, holiday, life, love
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As I’ve mentioned in my previous Managing Grief blog posts I’m doing a series on how to manage grief following the loss of a loved one.

So what do I want to focus on today…holiday times!

Holiday times can be physically draining at the best of times, never mind when it’s the first holiday time you’ve experienced since your loved one died. it may also be a lonely time for you as you may not have other friends and family around you to support you through this time.

In Managing Grief #2 I said it was important to remember your loved one, and this is no more relevant than during holiday times. So make sure you take time during these period not just to try to come to term with the fact that your loved one is no longer with you during these holidays, but also to remember and even laugh at memories of past holiday occasions.

They always say “laugher is good for the soul”, well I would add that “laughter is good for grief”. i.e. Remember the good times with your loved one, remember the funny stories/events that have taken place during holiday occasions and smile and laugh at them once again.

So don’t be lonely during the holiday times, whether that means you’ve got friends and family around you or whether that means you’re by yourself remember past holidays with your loved one…whatever you find yourself doing, enjoy the memories, laugh at the funny memories because they will do you the world of good.

funny-random-happy-memories

Managing Grief #3

Posted: March 7, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, depression, family, Food, friendship, Health, language, life, love, music
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As I’ve mentioned in several previous blog posts (Managing Grief #1 and #2), I’m doing a series of blog posts on how to manage grief following the loss of a loved one.

Today, it’s all about you!

finger-pointing

One of the most important things to do following a bereavement is to make sure you look after yourself physically. We can so often be caught up organising the funeral and taking care of all the practical things that need done following the death of a loved one, that we forget to look after our own health.

If there has been a period of hospital visiting prior to your loved one passing away, it’s likely that you have been rushing around doing all your normal daily tasks plus visiting them in hospital every day, and that can have a detrimental affect on your health, never mind coping with their death!

So take care of yourself physically, because you will be no use to anyone if you are ill, and your grieving process will be even harder if you don’t feel well.

I came across the following acronym and found it useful, so please try to remember this and follow its instructions:

DEER

  • Drink
  • Eat
  • Exercise
  • Rest

Managing Grief #2

Posted: March 4, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, family, friendship, Health, heaven, language, life, love, music, religion
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I mentioned the other day in Managing Grief #1, that I would be doing a series of blog posts giving some ideas on how to manage grief.  Today it’s about remembering your loved one…

Just because your loved one is gone doesn’t mean you should try to remove any thought of their passing from your mind. It’s important to be realistic about your loss, and not try to hide from the fact that there is an empty space in your life that they once filled.

I’m not saying we should immortalise them and never move on with your life, simply that you need to give yourself time to grieve – That in turn leads to the question of the how long is appropriate for us to grieve. The answer to this questions in itself is unknown as we are all different and all cope with grief differently, so grieve for as long as you need to.

When your with family and friends, don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one by sharing your memories of them, because in doing so you are helping you, and in turn showing your family and friends that it is actually ok to speak about the person.

I hope none of this sounds cold and dismissive, it is not intended to be. I simply feel that it is worthwhile to remember the person who has died and talk about them. i.e. It should not be taboo to talk about someone because they’ve died, but instead it should be good to share memories.

People In Need

Posted: November 27, 2012 in bereavement, bible, blogging, death, family, friendship, Health, life, love, music, prayer, religion, Salvation Army
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The last few days my blog posts have focused on bereavement, and how, even when coping with that situation, we can do so with hope, knowing we will see our loved ones again in heaven.

But for each of us, how do they help people who are hurting either due to bereavement or other events?

Firstly some words from the bible:

Remember those who are suffering, as though you were suffering as they are ~ Hebrews 13:3 (Good News Translation)

Is that the key, to try to understand the pain and hurt the person is feeling?

I’d say yes, as without trying to understand how and why the person is feeling pain, there is no way we can truly understand how they are feeling. So does that mean unless we’ve been in that same situation as the person, we can’t possibly understand their pain?

No, with God‘s help we can be the support and strength the person requires to get through their darkest moments. We may not have been in the situation the person’s currently in, but God can give us the words and actions to provide the comfort and strength needed for those who are hurting.

Hope Through Tears

Posted: November 24, 2012 in bereavement, bible, cancer, death, family, friendship, Health, heart, heaven, life, love, music, pray, prayer, religion
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We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end.
 

 

Revelation 21:4 (Amplified Bible)

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.

Another sad day, but another day full of hope, as we said our final farewells to another loved one.

I came across the above song on YouTube yesterday and it really touch me, and reaffirmed to me that death of a loved one, is not the end of our relationship, because we will meet again in heaven.

There’s only one thing in life that’s certain, and that is that we’ll all die at some point. Even so, it’s still difficult for us to cope with death when someone close to us dies.

I pray that when we suffer bereavement, we may find reassurance and peace knowing there is hope…hope, in the knowledge that our goodbye is not the end.

Hidden Pain

Posted: July 26, 2011 in cancer, dementia, family, friendship, Health, heart, life, love, music, religion, work
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Yesterday in Invisible Pain I spoke about how many people suffer silently from physical pain, every day. Today I want to consider those suffering other pain, emotional pain.

How many times have you heard someone say:

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting  some kind of battle.

Many times I’ve been felt totally drained emotionally because of all of life’s situations I’ve having to cope with, but when I’m with others I always do my best to hide how I’m really feeling, because the thought of others truly knowing how I feel would mean I’d fall apart publicly and that is one of my worst nightmares!

There are many things that we all try to “hide” from others: our grief over the death of a loved one, health concerns for ourselves or a loved one, depression, financial worries, job security, concern about our children etc

All these are things which often others will know nothing about. i.e. there are no physical signs, however that most certainly doesn’t mean these concerns/issues are any less painful to those experiencing them.

Just as the quote I listed above says, just because someone looks ok from the outside, does not mean they are ok on the inside. Some of us have many battles that we face on a daily basis, but they are ones which those around us know nothing about. So do just as the above quote says:

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting  some kind of battle.

The Day After

Posted: April 23, 2011 in cross, Easter, family, friendship, Health, heaven, life, love, music, pray, religion
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When a close friend or a family member is on the brink of death, it is a difficult time for their friends/family as they want their loved one to be at peace and free of pain, but on the other hand they wish their loved one didn’t have to leave them.

So imagine how Jesus‘ family and friends felt that first Easter as Jesus hung on the cross, dying – but not just dying, dying in immense pain, because He wanted to save each of us. What words would you use to describe how they felt when Jesus died?

Their grief must have been overwhelming. They must have wondered why Jesus, the Son of God, didn’t save himself from death on the cross. They must have questioned their belief that God really cared about them as He had let His own son die.

All those feeling would have been perfectly understandable in the aftermath of Jesus’ death. However although we know that Jesus died on the cross, we also know that was not the end of Jesus…indeed it was only the start of what Jesus, and God, was going to do, and continue to do for each one of us.

Mourning is a tough time for family and friends of the deceased to deal with, but we must remember that our loved ones are now at peace and are with God, just as Jesus is.

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