Archive for April 20, 2010

Alone and Scared

Posted: April 20, 2010 in life
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Following on from yesterday’s blog when I talked about feeling like an outsider, I thought it might be helpful to give further details of how it feeling like an Outsider makes people feel and act.

 So what does it feel like being an Outsider?

Here’s a few of the feelings I know I’ve felt: alone, vulnerable, embarrassed, scared, isolated, frustrated, annoyed, upset.

Some very strong and powerful emotions there. Emotions which together make it very difficult to deal with when you feel like an Outsider. Let me just explain a few of these emotions in further detail:

  • Alone/vulnerable/isolated – great feeling of isolation and distance from everyone both physically and emotionally
  • Scared – of making a fool of myself, of being out of my comfort zone : either by standing by myself or if I’m brave enough, approaching someone and either saying nothing or saying something stupid
  • Frustrated – at myself for putting myself in a situation where I feel like an Outsider again
  • Annoyed – at myself for not being brave enough to force myself to be part of a group or conversation
  • Upset – at myself of feeling so alone and putting myself through these feelings again; and upset that others don’t seem to notice me, or notice how alone I’m feeling

So how do people act when they feel like an Outsider?

Again I can only speak for myself, but here are a few thinks I’m aware of: nervous, quiet, introvert, stupid, anxious

Let me explain these a bit more: When I get nervous I get quiet, and when I get quiet I get nervous. I get anxious that when I do speak or go to do something, I do/say something really stupid and make a fool of myself.

Anyone else out there with similar feelings? Anything else you want to add?

When I was younger I used to force myself to be part of things, but I had some bad experiences which I think have taken their toll on me because now I’m far more likely to just not put myself in a situation where I think I’ll feel like an outsider. e.g. As I spoke about yesterday, at my church, where I tend not to stay for coffee fellowship after our morning service or attend our cafe church meetings or any other meetings where our band are not on playing as that would mean I have to find someone to sit beside or talk to.

Maybe I’m just more wary because of my past experiences and shouldn’t that’s the norm. Maybe I just need to be strong, take a big breathe in and go for it…but it’s scary!

Having said that, I know that no matter how terrified or anxious I may be feeling, God is there with me, and He will be More Than Just Enough. I hope you enjoy More Than Just Enough sung here by Sara Luneack: