Archive for the ‘family’ Category

It may be a cat, a bird, a ferret, or a guinea pig, but the chances are high that when someone close to you dies, a pet will be there to pick up the slack. Pets devour the loneliness. They give us purpose, responsibility, a reason for getting up in the morning, and a reason to look to the future. They ground us, help us escape the grief, make us laugh, and take full advantage of our weakness by exploiting our furniture, our beds, and our refrigerator. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Pets are our seat belts on the emotional roller coaster of life–they can be trusted, they keep us safe, and they sure do smooth out the ride.

by Nick TroutTell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing and Hope in My Life as an Animal Surgeon

Grief can be even tougher to cope with if you are on your own. However, as Nick Trout says above, even the company of a pet, can be the comfort and companionship you need to help you through the difficult days after a bereavement.

So if you have a pet, I hope you realise they can be your companion during these days, but if you haven’t, why not consider getting a pet to keep you company. After all, not only will you enjoy their companionship, I’m sure they will enjoy you company just as much, if not more.

All the Way My Saviour Leads Me by Chris Tomlin

I am so glad I believe and trust the words of the above song…

All the way my Saviour leads  me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

Because, I am sure that without God by my side, I would not have got through these last few years, never mind these last few months.

I believe God can help me through every situation I encounter in life, and I believe He can, and will help you too, all you have to do is let Him lead you.

As the title of this post suggests, it’s been another difficult few days for me.

It all started on Thursday with my Mum going into hospital for an exploratory procedure. But I’m pleased to say, all turned out to be fine, with no problems found.

Then on Thursday night I went to my first band practice for a while, at Bellshill Salvation Army. I was quite stressed about going back to the band, not because I thought the folks there wouldn’t welcome me back or be supportive, but simply because I am still struggling emotionally following the death of my Dad and my Aunt Mae earlier this year.

Dad at our weddingMusic has always been a huge part of my life, with music always been played in the house from as early as I can remember. Dad was always composing and arranging music (or “decomposing” music as he used to say!), and sitting at the piano trying out various bits and pieces of his compositions. I remember even when I was very young, I always climbed up onto my Dad’s knee at the piano to “help” him. So much so that when I was 6 I started piano lessons, despite the piano teacher not normally taking pupils until they were at least 7, but as I was extra keen an exception was made.

Then a few years later I was given a trombone by our YP band leader (at Rutherglen Salvation Army), and after being shown how to hold it and blow into and the 7 slide positions, I was off and running with my trombone. Needless to say I had a lot of questions, and Dad was there to help from that day on until his dementia meant he was unable to, as he was a trombone player of well renown in the jazz and big band scene in the west of Scotland.

So taking all that into account, band practices, and trombone playing as such a huge reminder of me of my Dad, as he was always there to help when I was looking to some alternative slide positions for some bit of music, or helping choosing a new mouthpiece etc…

I coped not to badly at the band practice until we went to practice Guardian of My Soul, and the words of the last section of this were read out…

O Jesus I have promised
To serve thee to the end…

Aunt MaeThese words, although not necessarily favourite words of my Aunt Mae, they were words which reminded me so much of her, as she was a lifelong Salvationist, and even in her final days when her dementia meant she wasn’t the person we knew and loved, she still always talked about the Army and how she’d held various positions for many years – even the nurses and carers at her nursing home talked about how she was always telling them about the Salvation Army!. She truly did serve God, her Saviour, all her days.

So when we started to play that piece of music, my emotions got the better of me and my tears streamed down my face…I was just glad everyone was playing as I really didn’t want anyone to notice how upset I was. Crying in public is one of my worst nightmares, and it was no different that night!

So onto today, Sunday, my first meeting at Bellshill for a while, and again I was stressed, as I knew the band were playing Guardian of My Soul and I knew how that had affected me on Thursday, and there would be even more folk there to witness me getting upset, if it were to happen again…

musicYes, the music got to me again, as Guardian of My Soul got my tears flowing again, however this time I just tried to play through it (not sure how successful that decision was though!).

But even before we got to the band piece, my tears had started, as the YP Band played I’m In His Hands, and the words associated with this song, touched me just as they do every time I hear them, but they were the reminder I needed that whatever the future holds, I am in His hands.

Even one of the congregational songs from this morning got me, as it reminded me of the band’s Easter Tour of 2003, as just after we returned from this tour I took unwell, and although I’m much improved now, my health continues to cause me some problems. Before we left for our tour we joined in singing, Lord If Your Presence , and again this morning as we sang these words in the knowledge that for the next 9 months, Bellshill Salvation Army will be without a home of their own, as we will be worshipping in the Bellshill Cultural Centre while our halls are refurbished and a new worship hall built.

Even as we played the final march in our hall, Celebration, I was reminded of Dad again as I remember asking him about one of the parts in this piece when I was playing a different part than I was today.

Many thanks to all who offered words of support to me both on Thursday night at band practice and also this morning either before or after our morning service, I really have appreciated the love and support shown to me (and my family) during what has been a particularly difficult time for us.

In conclusion, I’d just like to share with you the words of the song I mentioned earlier

I’m in his hands, I’m in His hands;
Whate’er the future holds
I’m in His hands.
The days I cannot see
Have all been planned for me;
His way is best, you see;
I’m in His hands

 

enjoy-the-silenceI know I’ve talked before about how some folk just seem to have their volume control turned up to full all the time, but there are in fact some times when the quietness can be just as uncomfortable…

Ever noticed how many of us don’t like it when it’s quiet, when no-one is talking? Funny how someone always feels the need to break that quietness…usually with something completely unrelated to any previous discussion, and in many occasions trying to be funny but completely failing!

Have you ever noticed how there are some people you can sit in silence with for ages and never feel uncomfortable with? They are the folk you love and trust, and that is why silence is so easy to cope with and not uncomfortable at all.

So, yes, there are some times when quietness or silence is uncomfortable, but then there are also some situation where the silence is just so natural. Hold onto those relationships where silences are comfortable as they are your important and valuable relationships.

silence-speaks

It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything in my “Managing Grief” series, but it’s not because there was nothing more to suggest, simply I couldn’t write the words down. As many of you will know, there have been two bereavements in my own family in the last couple of months (my Dad and my aunt), and I think it’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve begun to truly grieve for them.

Anyway, onto today’s thoughts on how to manage your grief…

Be realistic in your expectations.

In Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber, Marta writes the following:

My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly 11 months away!

The way in which she coped with her anxiety about the coming Christmas was to plan carefully and keep her expectations realistic:

“Try to have reasonable expectations. There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing.”

Elderly woman sitting in an armchairI can truly relate to those sentiments, as my Dad died on 21st February this year, and just a couple of weeks ago, on the 25th April, we had to cope with my Dad’s first birthday since he passed away. It was awful knowing that for the first time in my life we didn’t have to wonder what to buy Dad for his birthday, but, more importantly, we wouldn’t even be celebrating the day with Dad anymore. The 25th April was a working day for me, and I can truthful tell you that I don’t know how I got through that day at work in one piece as my heart was most definitely with Dad.
I can only imagine how hard it was for Mum. However to make sure Mum wasn’t on her own all day, feeling sorry for herself and getting upset as Dad was no longer here, we took her out at night for a meal…not to celebrate Dad’s birthday but just to remember Dad on what would have been his special day. It turned out though that Mum had actually been out most of the day, as in the afternoon, she apparently went down to the nursing home Dad had been in (and died in), and spent time there with the nurses who had cared for, and looked after Dad so well during his time there.
We got through the first of our significant days since our two bereavements by setting realistic expectations, so I know it will work, so please try this for yourself.

If you’ve every attended a church service or heard someone pray, you may think you cannot pray because you could not use the type of words or phrases, that those you heard used. This however could not be further from reality, as God wants you to speak to Him just as you would anyone else.

So have a think about how you speak to your family and friends…This is exactly how God wants you to speak to Him.

Speak to God as you would another human.

Speak to God about anything and everything that’s on your mind, because He cares about you, and everything you care about.

Speak to God just as you would your best friend.

Trust God more than you’d trust your best friend, because God, and God alone will always listen to you when you pray, and will always answer your prayers.

In the last couple of months I’ve spoken several times about how I’ve felt as if I’m running on auto pilot. But do you understand what i mean?

A pilot is normally associated with aeroplanes, however a pilot is really just described as someone who leads or guides. So for me what that meant was, I was going through the motions, doing and saying all the things I was supposed to without really feeling as though I was really there or really in control of what I was saying or doing…I was there in person but my mind was definitely elsewhere thinking about my Dad and my Aunt Mae  who died within 6 weeks of one another earlier this year.

I am just thankful that particularly in these last couple of months, I’ve had a great pilot to guide me…Jesus!jesus is my pilot

I’m reminded of a chorus we used to sing:

I have a pilot who guides me
Night and day;
Through cloud and sunshine I trust him,
Come what may.
Dangers may threaten but I never fear;
I’m full of confidence while he is near;
I have a pilot who guides me
Along life’s way.

I have certainly found those words reassuring in the last while, I hope you do too.

See It Through by Edgar A. Guest (1881-1959)
 
When you’re up against a trouble,
Meet it squarely, face to face;
Lift your chin and set your shoulders,
Plant your feet and take a brace.
When it’s vain to try to dodge it,
Do the best that you can do;
You may fail, but you may conquer,
See it through!
 
Black may be the clouds about you
And your future may seem grim,
But don’t let your nerve desert you;
Keep yourself in fighting trim.
If the worst is bound to happen,
Spite of all that you can do,
Running from it will not save you,
See it through!
 
Even hope may seem but futile,
When with troubles you’re beset,
But remember you are facing
Just what other men have met.
You may fail, but fall still fighting;
Don’t give up, whate’er you do;
Eyes front, head high to the finish.
See it through!

So whatever you’re doing, and however you are feeling, don’t give up, keep going…You can make it through!

Well, just like yesterday (in Manners), I’m going to have a moan…

In many areas of our lives we can find ourselves “mentoring” others in what they should be saying and doing and how they should be saying or doing it, both at work, in our family lives as well as with our friends.

During our lifetimes, it’s been proven that we can be influenced the most when we are children. So here’s my question for you today…are you mentoring your children, and those you come into contact with, in your bad habits, or are you mentoring them in God‘s way?

politenessWhy am I asking this? Well (here’s my moan), my main reason is, just like yesterday, my concerns over the way our society has changed over the last years. It feels to me, that even during my lifetime, and I’m not that old, that the basic standards of decency and politeness have all but disappeared from our society.

Where is our respect for others?

Why are we no longer willing to help a stranger in need?

These are just a couple of questions to highlight my concerns, but the bottom line is, if we want our society to change for the better, it’s down to us to be the example of decency that others need to see. Jesus wants us to be Christ-like in all we do, so take up that challenge today by acting how Jesus would have acted, by being polite, honest, decent and caring in all you do.

Do you remember when you were young being taught to say “Please” and “Thank you”?

Do you remember being asked, “Where are your manners?”, when you forgot to say “please” or “thank you”?

Although I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve witnessed other people saying those same things to their children. How about you, have you experienced this with your own children or other people’s’ children?

please and thank youI don’t know about you, but thinking about manners, and finding myself commenting on the habits (or missing habits!) of “the young”, makes me feel very old!

Do you find yourself getting annoyed when others don’t say “Please” or “Thank you” to you or is it just me?

I know I just commented that it’s the “young” that seem to be lacking manners these days, but to be honest I actually think it’s far more than just some younger folk that seem to have no manners anymore. e.g. Just the other day I was leaving one of our offices at work and stopped to hold the door on the way out for someone else who also worked there (I didn’t know them but knew they worked there too as they were wearing their id badge), she just walked through the door without uttering a word to me, or even looking in my direction!

What has happened to our society these days? Again maybe it’s just me, but I feel we’re becoming a less caring society, where many are so self-focused looking after themselves that they have no time be concerned or even consider how others feel.

Obviously what I’ve said here are generalisations, because I’m sure, like you, you can think of many younger folk who are polite and considerate to everyone. There’s plenty of folk like you and me out there who can continue to be polite and considerate towards others, and in doing so hopefully show there impolite folk that it costs nothing to show manners to others.

So go on, be polite and considerate, say “Please” and “Thank you” at all the applicable times, don’t care that some may think you’re strange or old-fashioned because you are showing your manners. After all Jesus didn’t care what others thought of Him, but instead continued to show how much He loved and cared for each one of us. We must help make this world a more caring place where everyone cares about their neighbour and goes that extra mile to help someone in need, because that’s what Jesus did!