Posts Tagged ‘family’

Managing Grief #6

Posted: May 9, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, death, dementia, family, friendship, holiday, life, love
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It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything in my “Managing Grief” series, but it’s not because there was nothing more to suggest, simply I couldn’t write the words down. As many of you will know, there have been two bereavements in my own family in the last couple of months (my Dad and my aunt), and I think it’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve begun to truly grieve for them.

Anyway, onto today’s thoughts on how to manage your grief…

Be realistic in your expectations.

In Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber, Marta writes the following:

My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly 11 months away!

The way in which she coped with her anxiety about the coming Christmas was to plan carefully and keep her expectations realistic:

“Try to have reasonable expectations. There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing.”

Elderly woman sitting in an armchairI can truly relate to those sentiments, as my Dad died on 21st February this year, and just a couple of weeks ago, on the 25th April, we had to cope with my Dad’s first birthday since he passed away. It was awful knowing that for the first time in my life we didn’t have to wonder what to buy Dad for his birthday, but, more importantly, we wouldn’t even be celebrating the day with Dad anymore. The 25th April was a working day for me, and I can truthful tell you that I don’t know how I got through that day at work in one piece as my heart was most definitely with Dad.
I can only imagine how hard it was for Mum. However to make sure Mum wasn’t on her own all day, feeling sorry for herself and getting upset as Dad was no longer here, we took her out at night for a meal…not to celebrate Dad’s birthday but just to remember Dad on what would have been his special day. It turned out though that Mum had actually been out most of the day, as in the afternoon, she apparently went down to the nursing home Dad had been in (and died in), and spent time there with the nurses who had cared for, and looked after Dad so well during his time there.
We got through the first of our significant days since our two bereavements by setting realistic expectations, so I know it will work, so please try this for yourself.

A Missing Celebration

Posted: April 25, 2013 in bereavement, children, death, dementia, family, friendship, Health, life, love, pray, prayer, words
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Today, the 25th April is another sad day for us, as today would have been my Dad’s 86th birthday.

Dad at our weddingIt’s now just over 2 months since my Dad passed away, but just typing these words have started my tears flowing again. It really doesn’t seem like 2 months since Dad died, mind you a lot of that has to do with the fact in that interim time as many of you know, my Mum’s older sister, my Aunt Mae, also passed away. My Aunt Mae’s funeral was just over 2 weeks ago, so I’ve found that since then, I’ve finally been able to grieve for my Dad, as up until then I never really got a chance to grieve because my Aunt Mae was so ill.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean I am not grieving for my Aunt Mae as well as my Dad, as I most definitely am, but as you can probably understand, I am really missing my Dad.

I have thought of my Dad every day since he died.

I have shed many tears every day since Dad died.

I have missed my Dad every day since he died.

Yes, Dad’s illness in his final few years meant he was never really the Dad I knew and loved during, but even in those days when his vascular dementia meant he rarely knew us, or had any kind of conversation with us, there was still the odd time when he’d look at me and say, “Hello my lovely young lady” – something he often called me for many years. The days he said that to me became fewer and further apart, but when he did day them, they always brought tears to my eyes…and they most certainly have again tonight as I typed this post. The sad thing is no sooner would he uttered those words than he would become that vacant vessel again which didn’t understand what was going on around him, who was with him or indeed understand that he knew us.

These have been incredibly difficult months for my family, and my Mum in particular – Mum’s struggling to come to terms with the death of my Dad and Aunt Mae over these last couple of months. Therefore I’d ask today, as we remember my Dad on what would have been his birthday, that you continue to pray for us as we continue to grieve the death of two much-loved members of our family.

I love you Dad, and I miss you so much. You’ll always be in my thoughts and firmly in my heart. Dorothy xxx

Another Farewell

Posted: April 11, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, children, church, death, dementia, family, Food, friendship, Glasgow, Glasgow, Health, heaven, life, love, religion, Rutherglen, Salvation Army, stroke
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It’s been another sad day today, as just 5 weeks after saying our final farewells to my Dad, we said a final farewell to my Aunt Mae, Mary Waddell Gilchrist (23/10/1922 – 03/04/2013).

Aunt Mae (Aug 2011)

My intention again today, just at it had been on the day of my Dad’s funeral (see the blog post Farewell), was to write a tribute to my Aunt Mae, but I’m afraid again it’s just too soon for me to be able to write anything that would do her justice. At some point in the coming weeks I hope to write tributes to both Dad and Aunt Mae, but for today I simply want to say thank you.

Thank you to so many of you who have offered words of comfort and solace to me, Mum and Sandy over these last few weeks as first we lost my Dad, and then my Aunt Mae. I really can’t express strongly enough just how much your support in person, by phone and/or card, has meant to us all.

To those of you who have helped us get everything sorted out for today, I’d like to say a huge thank you to you.

To the many of you who shared with us today at Rutherglen Salvation Army for the service of thanksgiving, then at Rutherglen cemetery, and then afterwards back at Rutherglen Salvation Army for refreshments, thank you for taking the time to support us on this most difficult of days, as I’m sure it was very much appreciated by all my family. I’m sure my Aunt Mae would have been embarrassed by all that has been said about her today, but as far as I’m concerned, it simply shows the huge impact and influence Aunt Mae had on the many people she met during her lifetime.

I’ll miss you Aunt Mae, and just as I said about my Dad a few weeks ago, I will never ever forget you.

Rest in peace Aunt Mae xxx

Endless

Posted: March 21, 2013 in bereavement, children, death, dementia, depression, family, friendship, Health, heart, heaven, hospital, life, love, music, religion, words
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tearsThere are some things which can seem endless. Some that are good and some not so good. Things like the love and support from family and friends can feel endless which is obviously good. While a continual string of bad or events which affect your life are the complete opposite.

I’ve felt for the last few years that my life has just been one constant struggle after another between my own health problems as well as health  problems and other issues affecting other members of my family. This has all culminated in the last few weeks with my Dad passing away and now my 90-year-old aunt being admitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago with a bad chest infection and not eating or drinking, and then just a few days ago being told my aunt had probably had a stroke and it was unlikely she’d pull through.

How does that make me feel? Well at times I question God, as I’m sure we all do sometimes, “why me?”, but other times I acknowledge that God wouldn’t let me go through these experiences if he didn’t think I could handle them.

That doesn’t make me feel any better during these tough days, and it of course doesn’t make my life any easier, but it does remind me that God lives me and walks beside me in all situations, even though it may feel to me that he’s deserted me.

So when you are going through what seems like an endless string of bad things, remember God is there and is supporting you in all at all times.

The following video of Susan Best singing God is Always There will hopefully help you remember that God is always there for you:

Farewell

Posted: February 27, 2013 in bereavement, blogging, children, death, dementia, family, Father's Day, friendship, Glasgow, Health, life, love, music, religion, Rutherglen
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It’s been a sad day today, as we said a final farewell to be Dad, Edwin (Eddie) Robert Johnson (25/04/1927 – 21/02/2013).

Dad at our wedding

My intention had been to write a tribute to my Dad today, but I’m afraid it’s just too soon for me to be able to write anything that would do my Dad justice, so I’ll save my thoughts for another day once Mum, Sandy and me get back to some kind of normality.

So today, I simply want to express my gratitude to everyone who has offered support and love to us during these difficult days either by phoned, in person or have sent us cards. You will never now how much your support has meant to us all.

To those of you who have helped us get everything sorted out for the funeral today and helped with the funeral itself, a huge thank you.

To the many of you who shared with us today at the crematorium and then afterwards at the hotel, thank you for taking the time to support us on this most difficult of days, again it was very much appreciated by us. I’m sure my Dad would have been embarrassed by all that has been said about him today and also by the number of you who attended his funeral, but as far as I’m concerned, it simply shows the huge impact and influence my Dad had on so many lives.

I miss you Dad, but I will never ever forget you.

Rest in peace Dad xxx

Just for you Dad, one of your favourite jazz musicians, Tommy Dorsey, playing I’m Getting Sentimental Over You:

Times of Debt

Posted: January 14, 2013 in debt management, family, finance, friendship, life, love
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loves-greater-than-money

We are living in a time where so many are finding it difficult to make ends meet financially. While financial difficult put extra pressure on every member of the family involved, we must be sure to remember that the love of our family and friends is a much stronger bond than any money could ever buy.

It’s often said that money can buy you most things, but it can’t buy you love. So don’t let money worries destroy friendships and bonds that have been built on love, because love is greater than anything money could every buy.

 

 

It Might Be A New Year But…

Posted: January 8, 2013 in arthritis, dementia, family, friendship, Health, heart, holiday, hospital, life, love, New Year, religion
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…2013 seems to be bringing more of the same for me so far. :(

Firstly, I thought as it was the start of a new year, a time for new beginnings, I would once again make the first move to try to reconcile with brokenfriendshipseveral people who were once very close friends and confidants, but sadly for various reasons those relationships have broken down to such an extent in the last few years that not only to these folk ignore me and sometimes my husband too, but are often downright rude and cruel towards us – I certainly did not think any broken relationship merited such awful treatment, especially from people who would openly tell you they are Christians!

To be honest, I wish I hadn’t bothered again (I’ve reached out several times before to these folk), because the various people concerned either completely ignored me again, or responded in an obnoxious manner questioning why I thought I “had the right to expect them to speak to me” – At no time did I ever tell anyone I expected them to speak to me, so I was deeply hurt again.

So much for new beginnings and putting the past behind us and moving on!

I do wonder what kind of Christian does that make these folk? I’m definitely not saying I’m perfect, far from it, but I’ve felt right from the time these folk started to ignore us that things were taken out of context and exaggerated out of all proportion, and surely as Christians we should be able to rise above these disagreements, put them aside, forgive and move on…sadly not all seem to agree with me.

Secondly, health concerns for my hubby started again on New Year‘s Day again as we had to postpone our new year’s day dinner with my Mum as hubby wasn’t well enough to leave the house.

Thirdly, my own health problems seem to have peaked again since last Wednesday/Thursday although I think some of this may be down to all the other issues that have arisen since the start of the year!

hospital2Lastly, my Dad’s health has deteriorated considerably in the last week and a half as although he was previously sitting with his eyes closed all the time, he was at least responding to us when we spoke to him and was opening his eyes. However it got to the stage where he was no longer opening his eyes at all or speaking to us at all and he was also refusing to eat, drink or take any of his medication. So much so that last Friday he was admitted to hospital because he was badly dehydrated – That was a long day in itself, as the GP saw him about 3.45pm and decided he should go to hospital, although we later discovered he hadn’t bothered to order the ambulance until 5.30pm!

Meanwhile Mum and me waited at the nursing home with Dad for the ambulance as Mum was keen to ensure Dad got settled ok at hospital. What a long wait that ended up being…the ambulance didn’t turn up at the nursing home until almost 11pm. It was then about 12.20am before the doctor first spoke to us at the hospital and then about 2.40am before Dad finally got settled into a ward. By the time I dropped Mum back home and got myself home it was about 3.30am!

It turned out Dad has a chest infection and id apparently can often cause added confusion for dementia sufferers and cause then to be more sleepy and less willing to eat/drink than normal. Dad’s now being treated in hospital for his chest infection and he is beginning to become a little it more responsive when we speak to him  (not that much of what he says makes any sense), so hopefully he’ll get back to being able (and willing) to eat and drink by himself again soon.

So we’re only 8 days into 2013, but already I’d say I’m really not liking this year so far. So one thing is for certain, 2013 can really only get better, can’t it?!

#NAW2012

Posted: November 8, 2012 in adoption, baby, blogging, children, family, friendship, life, love, UK
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#NAW2012 – National Adoption Week 5th – 11th November 2012

Earlier this week I heard on the radio that this is National Adoption Week here, and as adoption is something which is particularly close to my heart, I wanted to highlight this in my blog.

One of the main things which made me want to blog about this is, that on the radio they mentioned that so many people rule themselves out of adoption before even starting going through the adoption process, simply because they assume they wouldn’t be accepted as potential adopters.

There are 10 steps to adopting:

  1. Apply
  2. Attend an open day / Join preparation course
  3. Assessment
  4. Adoption panel
  5. Link with a child(ren)
  6. Match with a child(ren)
  7. Meet the child(ren)
  8. Move in
  9. Make adoption legal
  10. Live together

That may all sound quite daunting, but from the minute you express an interest in adopting, you will be given support and information, helping make this process as smooth as possible. There are so many children who are in need of the love and support a stable family life can offer them, so please, if you are able, please seriously consider adoption.

For those of you currently going through the process of adoption, I’d like to wish you all the best, and say thank you for putting yourself forward to adopt.

For those of you who have already adopted a child/children, I’d like to say a big thank you.

On behalf of all children in need of a loving family, I’d like to ask you to consider whether you could give a child/children a loving and supportive environment to grow.

So if you’re interested or want more details about adoption, please count yourself in right from the start…give a child, and yourself, a chance of having a loving family, and contact your local authority adoption team or an approved voluntary adoption agency (use the BAAF agency directory).

Go on rule yourself in for adopting!

You can get more information about #NAW2012 at the NAW website: www.nationaladoptionweek.org.uk

Helping Isn’t Always Easy

Posted: October 13, 2012 in blogging, dementia, family, friendship, Health, hospital, life, love
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Why is it when you try to help some people you just get your head bitten off and they go all defensive about what they’re saying it what they are trying to do?

As you’ll be aware if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, my Dad suffers from dementia and so I’ve been doing my best to support and help my Mum as much as possible, particularly over the last 12 weeks or so while Dad was in hospital. I’ve been trying my best but much of the time it has felt like my best just isn’t good enough, as no matter how much I’ve tried to help and support my Mum, she’s made me feel at time like I’m not helping, or that I’m saying things that aren’t helpful, and so she gets annoyed me with.

I know Mum doesn’t mean it to come across like this, as I know she does appreciate my help and support, it’s simply that she’s finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that Dad will never be home again, and after more than 55 years of marriage that must be so hard for Mum to cope with. So I guess it’s simply been that me saying things as they really are is hard for mum to hear as she’s still finding it difficult to accept how things are with dad these days.

No matter what people say or do sometime when you try to help them, don’t ever stop trying to help them, as often those in most need are those who “push” those trying to help them away.

Stay strong and continue to reach out to those in need.

I Hate Myself Sometimes

Posted: September 29, 2012 in blogging, dementia, family, friendship, Health, hospital, life, love, pray, prayer, religion, work
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I’ve always hated the way I act, or maybe more accurately, the way I react in certain situations, however in this last week I’ve had more occasions than usual to hate myself for the way I react.

I mentioned earlier in the week in 10 Weeks and Counting, that my Dad’s now been in hospital for 10 weeks, so as you can imagine that is quite stressful and also very tiring. I’m not trying to make excuses but, I do know that when I’m tired my patience seems to go into hiding.

After 10 weeks of hospital visiting and a very busy and at times stressful time at work, and worries about other family members, I really am shattered most of the time, my pain levels have increased significantly again over the last few weeks, and I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

I love Mum and I know she’s finding thing particularly tough at present because of the situation with Dad as well as her ongoing stresses about her sister who’s living in a care home, but I have found myself getting more and more impatient and annoyed at Mum when she tells me the same things every day and seems to still expect Dad to suddenly get better, when we all know that’s not going to happen.

Even when I’m responding impatiently or getting annoyed inwardly, at Mum, I’m telling myself off, and wishing I could be more patient. I pray regularly for patience, but still I find it a struggle. I know God has a plan for me, and that patience is not part of that plan at present, so I’m trying to keep my impatience to myself, but I am finding it hard.

So I guess until I find patience is second nature to me, I’m going to have to get used to hating myself more and more at some of the thing I say and think when I find my patience stretched.

I suppose what I’d like as an outcome of today’s blog post is that, if you’re a praying person reading this, you would say a wee prayer for me, that I may become a more patient and understanding person.

Thank you.

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