I Hate Myself Sometimes

I’ve always hated the way I act, or maybe more accurately, the way I react in certain situations, however in this last week I’ve had more occasions than usual to hate myself for the way I react.

I mentioned earlier in the week in 10 Weeks and Counting, that my Dad’s now been in hospital for 10 weeks, so as you can imagine that is quite stressful and also very tiring. I’m not trying to make excuses but, I do know that when I’m tired my patience seems to go into hiding.

After 10 weeks of hospital visiting and a very busy and at times stressful time at work, and worries about other family members, I really am shattered most of the time, my pain levels have increased significantly again over the last few weeks, and I just want to curl up and sleep all the time.

I love Mum and I know she’s finding thing particularly tough at present because of the situation with Dad as well as her ongoing stresses about her sister who’s living in a care home, but I have found myself getting more and more impatient and annoyed at Mum when she tells me the same things every day and seems to still expect Dad to suddenly get better, when we all know that’s not going to happen.

Even when I’m responding impatiently or getting annoyed inwardly, at Mum, I’m telling myself off, and wishing I could be more patient. I pray regularly for patience, but still I find it a struggle. I know God has a plan for me, and that patience is not part of that plan at present, so I’m trying to keep my impatience to myself, but I am finding it hard.

So I guess until I find patience is second nature to me, I’m going to have to get used to hating myself more and more at some of the thing I say and think when I find my patience stretched.

I suppose what I’d like as an outcome of today’s blog post is that, if you’re a praying person reading this, you would say a wee prayer for me, that I may become a more patient and understanding person.

Thank you.