When I’m struggling I go all quiet and don’t really want to talk to anyone. I also try not to look anyone directly in the eye for any more than a brief second at a time.
Why? Because I’m scared that if anyone looks me straight in the eyes for more than a second or two, they’ll see my deepest feelings and emotions, and therefore know exactly how I feel. That in turn will make me fall apart and that, you may remember if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, would be my worst nightmare…falling apart in public.
Many people I’ve spoken to about my fear of falling apart have told me it would be good for me just to “let go”…they really do not understand how scary a thought that is for me. To be honest I’ve always felt I’d rather sit in a room by myself for hours than fall apart in public, and despite being told repeatedly it would be good for me to “let go”, I will continue to do all I can to stop my nightmare coming true in public!
Just because I don’t fall apart in public does not mean I never “let go” because I do. However I do agree it might me nice if someone was there to give me a hug and reassure me when I do fall apart – But the thought of doing that in public it so scary for me I’ll be trying my best to make sure that doesn’t happen!
ha. i was writing about the eye thing just this morning. also: how i go out of focus when i’m inwardly obsessing or cold depressed dead there. i haven’t had a prominent, public panic attack (i’ve always been able to walk through them somehow), a dear friend has (while leading a university class). she excused herself, explained what was happening, and returned 10 minutes later to finish the class. she found it empowering. 🙂 who knows?