Today in the UK, is Father’s Day, so it might surprise you to know that, for me, it was just another day. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I do not love my Dad – that couldn’t be further from the truth – however Dad has never supported present giving…to him! He accepts his presents on Christmas Day and at his birthday, however he would think (and in the past would also have told me), that I’d wasted my money, so grudgingly, a number of years ago I agreed not to do anything for Father’s Day.
This has been a particularly tough week with Dad – or should I say an even tougher week, as all weeks are tough these days, particularly for Mum. As many of you will know, Dad is suffering from Vascular Dementia and has been getting progressively worse over the last year. He is now almost completely dependant on my Mum for everything, and that is of course very tough on Mum. I try my best to help as much as I can, but I do feel guilty that I can’t help more.
These days Dad spends most of his time sleeping/dozing and when he is awake he’s very confused and struggles to be able to have a normal conversation with any of us. It very sad to see him like this particularly given just how quickly he has become so unwell.
On Wednesday night this week, one of my worst nightmare happened – Dad didn’t know who I was! I had been at Mum and Dad’s was a wee while having taken Mum to do her shopping and had helped Mum put her shopping away. Dad had come into the kitchen with us and had been talking to both of us in his usual manner. Then when I went to leave, Mum and Dad came to the door with me to see me off, and Dad turned to me and apologised for his lack of memory and then asked me who I was. Well I felt as if I’d been stabbed in the chest – It wasn’t as if I didn’t know this day was likely to happen because I did, however it was the fact that this day had arrived!
Mum was upset and annoyed at Dad at not knowing who I was, but even after explaining to Dad who I was he still didn’t know me…I had to get out of there before I fell apart in front of Mum because I knew that would have upset her even more, so off I went. As soon as I got into my car and pulled away from Mum and Dad’s house I could no longer keep my tears from falling, and falling.
Mum phoned me after I got home to see if I was OK. She kept apologising for Dad even though I told her she didn’t have to, and it wasn’t Dad’s fault anyway it was simply his illness. Wednesday was a tough night, I was upset all night and slept very little as I kept thinking about Dad and how much Mum had to cope with.
Having got through the events of Wednesday night, yesterday’s events were just as heartbreaking: Mum and me were going to visit Aunt Mae and Dad decided that he’d come with us (BTW he did know who I was this time), which was fine. During our visit with Aunt Mae, Dad did his usual and dozed most of the time. On the plus side though he did recognised Aunt Mae, despite not knowing me the other night. However that was short lived…
As we were getting ready to leave Mum and I stopped to speak to one of Aunt Mae’s carers, and Dad was talking to Aunt Mae. When we returned to them, Dad said he’s just been talking to “this young lady”! – Now Aunt Mae’s older than Dad so this was a bit odd, so Mum asked Dad who he was talking to, and he said he didn’t know! Mum told him it was Mae her older sister and at that point Dad burst into tears and kept saying sorry – it was heart wrenching to see this.
I don’t remember ever seeing Dad cry before, and it was awful to see him crying like this as it was obviously because he was frustrated that he didn’t know one of his closest family members. Mum was obviously upset too and that of course made me even worse. The strange thing was Aunt Mae was fine about it all, she just said it was OK and didn’t seem bothered by Dad not knowing her!
By the time Mum, Dad and me got back to their house, Dad was back to his normal again and seemed to have completely forgotten his tearful moments.
In addition to all this, Dad has apparently told Mum several times this week that he hasn’t long to live – He’s told us this a number of times over the last few months, so it’s not quite as heartbreaking to hear him say this as it was the first few times, though it’s still sad to hear him say those words.
So there you go, that’s the latest situations with Dad – It’s tough but I’m trying to support Mum as much as I possibly can though I’ll never feel as though I’m ever really able to do enough.
The Distinct Dot 
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